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I had always been sort of lucky in life. I know it but sometimes I just lose sight of it momentarily. With every challenge, a new opportunity always presents itself to me somehow. They do not take away the pain of the moment for sure but merely reduces the bitterness. Thinking back, a few major events in my life had brought me to where I am today.

Event No. 1
Alright, so I was this nerd in secondary school. For some reason which I still cannot comprehend, I joined NPCC...I was weak, physically and mentally. I remembered that I actually blacked out.....fainted while standing in the parade square. I also sucked at handcraft, first aid, camping.......But what I lacked physically, I tried to make up for it "intellectually". I studied.....yes studied the foot drill commands. I was able to give commands like a boss no doubt! I even drank salt water every evening to make my voice louder...can't remember who told me this would work though....hahahah. Anyway, so the time came for our first promotion. In those days, if you were to get the first promotion, you can be assured of a promotion every year up to the highest rank of staff sergeant by the time you reach Sec 4. Well, needless to say, I wasn't expecting anything, and neither were my mates expecting anything for me, so I was relaxed. The expected few were announced....nothing surprising.....then my name was called....the room went quiet...I was stunned. After the announcement, we were dismissed. But it was clear, most of my mates were not thrilled that I was promoted. The next Saturday, we were assembled for a unexpected briefing by the teacher in charge. He did not mention my name but it was clear he was referring to me. Basically some of my mates had approached him to ask why "certain people" were promoted and to voice their displeasure. Anyway, the purpose of the briefing was to tell everybody, mistake or not, that clearly somebody appreciated my pitch perfect commands and foot drills more than my physical abilities. Hence those who were promoted are promoted and that's the end of the matter. And so, I sailed through the 4 years, reaching the rank of Staff Sergeant and becoming an instructor! I did not know this small "mistake" in promoting me will have such a profound impact that will flow all the way to my adult life....

Event No. 2
I was never academically inclined. I barely made it to the Express stream in a neighbourhood school and even then, I failed my Maths throughout. In Sec 3, I had a mini rebellion against schooling. I would absent myself at least 2 days every week. My mother was always patient and obliging, writing one excuse letter after another. Perhaps she knows I was having my mini crisis and therefore, needed to sort things out myself then. My form teacher was also very patient and obliging. As long as I produce either a letter or a MC, I was ok, no questions asked. Well, somehow I scrapped through to Sec 4. Then the "O" levels. I wasn't expecting any miracles but then again, I prayed for 20 points.....I got 23. Damn...I could not get in anywhere with that kind of results! But remember Event 1? I scored A1 for CCA......And so, the A1 pulled me up and secured me a place in pre-university.....It changed my life and attitude towards my studies. I was promoted in my CCA by mistake, I have no doubt about that but that mistake allowed me a 2nd chance at my academic pursuits. And so, I was a changed student in pre-u. I was made a Councillor, became sort of a teacher's pet, running errands for them. I started doing my homework, especially Maths. Needless to say, I scored better in my A Levels and secured a place in NUS to study Bsc (Economics) with a minor in......gasp! Maths!

Event No. 3
The dreaded National Service. I was never physically inclined, so it was hell for me. I sucked at running, obstacle course etc. The only thing I enjoyed then was live firing and the overseas training in Thailand. Anyway, remember Event 1 again? Well, I did not know then but once you reach a high rank in your CCA, you are somehow earmarked for some sort of leadership role in NS. So despite my weak physical performance, I was sent for specialist training to become a Sergeant...wtf. And of all the vocations, they have to post me to one of the toughest, Combat Engineers! I don't know how I got through the grueling 9 months of constant physical torture but we all had to graduate sometime don't we? And so, I became a Sergeant and was made an Instructor again, this time to torture new recruits!
I would have stayed in the Combat Engineers throughout if not for the fact that I had applied for pilot training during a recruitment drive by the Air Force at one of the assembly programs in secondary school. After all the countless mental and psychomotor tests that took years, they finally decided to call me just when I was enjoying torturing my recruits. So ok, I accepted the offer. Flew a propeller plane for 14 sorties. Did you know that it took just 5 mins to get from Seletar Airport in the north to Sentosa in the south via a propeller plane?! And do you know that if the propeller stopped turning midway through the flight, you better get ready to jump out the plane?! Well, after the 14 sorties, although my instructor gave very good comments about me, I did not make it to the next stage, along with 30 others out of 40 in total. All of them went back to their old units. I was preparing to go back to my old unit as well when surprise! surprise! The Air force decided to keep me in one of their squadrons in a non-flying vocation. It was 8-5 every day, most days spent in air-con comfort, no chance to stay incamp even if I wanted to, means home-cooked meals every day! Yeah! And so, I sailed through my NS as well as 10 years reservist just like that......

Event No. 4
I had my 1st girlfriend in Pre-u 2. We were classmates. We dated all the way through my NS and university days and then, she met someone at work and simply decided to break off with me just as I entered my 3rd year in NUS. I was heartbroken, could not eat, sleep and cried for weeks. Luckily I could turn to my current wife then. She was also going through a breakup. But despite all the unhappiness she was going through then, she nursed me back mentally, supported me and just gave me comforting words when I needed it. We decided to get married 1 week after going steady, while talking at the beach...The mood was there and the timing was just right, so I figured, this is the woman whom I want to live with for the rest of my life. 1 month after breaking off with me, my ex wanted to come back. But I was resolute to start afresh and I am glad I did. I will never regret this decision in my life no matter what marital problems I may have now. And on our wedding day, although I was drunk for sure, we still managed to give each other the most beautiful and precious gift in our lives....a baby boy.....

Event No. 5
So we had marital problems. Who doesn't? I was stressed and depressed. And it all culminated into something explosive 6 years ago. At the same time, an opportunity in my career appeared out of all the personal gloom I was going through. So I accepted the opportunity if only to get away from it all. The job doesn't seem to be a good fit to me. I was a very reserved and soft spoken person and yet the job requires me to conduct trainings and briefings regularly, sometimes to an audience of up to 400 people!? Am I insane? I had totally no confidence I could do the job but I knew I needed a change if only to stay sane and to snap out of my depression. I am glad I took the plunge, relying purely on blind faith. I used to panic, get butterflies in my stomach, insomnia and prepare for days before the training in my first year. This is on top of having to learn all the new things in my new job. But after 6 years on the job, conducting training is just second nature to me now. I don't prepare anymore. I sleep soundly and go for the training like I would any other work day, confidently. I have grown and matured into a better person in my new job and I was totally enjoying it!

Event No. 6
Another crisis hit me hard 4 weeks ago. I am feeling depressed again, suicidal even. Just when I thought I could start a new chapter in my life, I was brought back down to earth mercilessly. No opportunity, no chance. I am still reeling from it, severely depressive and totally unable to function. I became nasty to people, retracted deeply into my shell and gave one-word answers to questions....or worse, pretend I did not hear the question and totally ignore the person. I was really going insane this time. I lost all my hard-earned confidence overnight, confidence that were accumulated over the past 6 years. And worse, I stopped eating, lost my tummy within days and I still have no appetite to this day, eating less than what I used to consume.
Then last week, my CO asked me in for a chat. My immediate boss is my RO while my CO is my boss's boss. I dreaded the long walk to her office that day, with all kinds of thoughts swimming wildly in my mind. Did she noticed something about me? How should I answer her if she were to ask me direct questions? Should I even tell her my problems? Turns out she just wanted to have a little chat before submitting my appraisal report...whew! So the usual questions were asked, like how I am feeling (I lied about feeling good), do I like my job (yes I do and that's the truth!), what are my aspirations in the short term and long term etc. I gave the usual diplomatic replies, about wanting advancement etc. And yet, I also wanted to tell her that I want out of here asap, to get away from my challenges again, so that I can keep a promise to someone whom I will never lie to....But before I could say that, my CO suddenly popped the question to me. "Do you want to replace your boss when she retires?". I was stunned. my boss had never once asked me this and here she is, my boss's boss asking if I want to take over my boss....I did not know what to answer. Based on Event 5, I would have leaped at the chance and accepted the challenge! Nothing is impossible!
But sadly, times and situation are different, given what I am going through right now, so finally, I said the obvious. "I do not have the accounting qualifications to take over and so right from day 1, I know I will never be able to take her place. I appreciate your confidence in me and so I do not mind expanding my job scope so as to advance in a different way". I wanted very much to say that the "different way" may also mean "out of here". But again, before I could say that, instead of just agreeing with me and backing down, my CO assured me that the qualifications are secondary considerations as she is prepared to send me for courses to pick up the skills needed over time. Seriously? Pick up professional accounting skills at my age?! I have sworn never to pick up a textbook again after my last graduation....damn..... But I was pleasantly taken aback by the show of confidence in my abilities. I had always seen her as a tyrant and so, had always avoided her. But to show such confidence in me amidst all the gloom I am going through right now......

To be honest, I had always treated my career secondary to my happiness in my personal life. I don't particular like heavy responsibilities nor the limelight. I am a worker, not a leader. I sucked at networking aka small talk. I mean, why should I care what your kid is doing or where they are studying?! I was always happy to let others shine as long as I was happy in love and in life. I thought I had found my happiness in love...my soul mate.....I really thought so. I am now lost, confused, tormented and will continue to be so no matter what path I choose and where I end up. Its just too deep for me and I regretted not holding back. No matter what happens, I will never blame anyone except myself as they are my choices and my consequences. Despite everything, I will still be there if things turn bad as long as I am asked to be there, no questions asked, no explanation necessary, no apologies needed. Just ask.

A promise is still a promise somehow........and if nothing else, just do it because of love...... Pure and simple.....I have yet to answer my CO....

Good Night.